Yesterday provided me with the first real test of my “whatever’s wrong with me isn’t as hard as being pregnant” stance. I’ve had a good old dose of *man-flu* and, felling a little under the weather, I just had to have the day off work.

Now, I’m going to stick up for man-flu suffers around the globe here because OK, maybe I wasn’t going to die but I did actually feel unwell. I spent the day in front of the tele with a couple of DVD’s and the occasional “Murder She Wrote” episode. Mrs C on the other hand spent the day at work, soldiering on as usual.

By the time she got home, she was pretty knackered (apparently that can happen if you carry 2 extra stone around all day) and I wasn’t feeling much different.

As I watched her slowly nodding-off in the nursing chair, I thought “Hmm, now I’m faced with a choice. Do I wallow in self pity or get up and make us both tea?”.

Making tea won.

Now, I’m not after a medal but I thought I’d better give “looking after Mrs C even though I wanted to be looked after myself” a shot just one short day after I preached about it to others.

And she was pleased that I made her tea, which made me happy for a while then I wallowed in self pity in front of more TV.

I’ve decided that to help move my I Wish I’d Known series along a little bit, I’d ask for some advice and tips from the users at Mumsnet.com forums.

And boy, did they ever give some advice. I was really overwhelmed by the number of responses. I’d like to say a big thank you to all the mums and mums-to-be in the Pregnancy chat room for their input.

Just before I move on I must admit that I’m a little uncertain as to some of the lingo used in the forum. It’s kind of a mums’ text speak. For example, when referring to their partners they use the abbreviate ‘DH’. Now, I’m hoping this is short for (a possibly ironic) ‘darling husband’ but I fear, dear reader, that sometime it may be used in anger as ‘dick head’… but I can’t be sure (maybe someone from Mumsnet can explain) .

Anyway, without further ado, when I asked for advice for Expectant Fathers here’s what they had to say:

Make Life a Little Easier

NineUnlikelyTales puts it simply:

“Learn how to cook.
Learn how to clean.
Learn how to comfort an irrational woman without saying a word wrong.
Practise putting baby grows on a doll.”

Now 3 of those things sound pretty straight forward to me. I’m alright in the kitchen (no, honest I am). When I get the motivation I can clean like the Tasmanian Devil and practising putting baby grows on a doll (ah, the childhood memories!) is just a trip to Toys R Us away.

It’s the “without saying a word wrong” that worries me. This is the challenge that faces the average married man at the best of times. During pregnancy, I’m not sure that it’s possible. I think that I’m going to “lower the bar” on that one and aim for “saying as few wrong words as possible” and if I can keep it in the hundreds region I think I will be doing better than most.

Cooking and cleaning came up quite a few times in the replies. Meowmix says:

“NOW is the time to really understand the housework and what counts as done ‘properly’”

MissGolightly goes a little further with the housework:

“It is impossible for the father-to-be to do too much housework/cooking.”

This all pretty much comes under the banner of “making life easier” for your pregnant partner and I think the mums will agree that it’s appreciated.

Being an Expectant Dad isn’t Really that Hard

When reading that advice, I expect most men will, in the back of the minds, be thinking “I’ve got a life too during this pregnancy”. And you do, but Snaf warns us:

“When [your partner's] actually in labour, and she’s screaming that it f&^*%$()g HURTS!!!, don’t ever, ever mention that your arm is cramping up because you’ve been rubbing her back for the last three hours.”

After all, expectant Dads that whatever else is going on in your own lives, your partner carrying your child is surely much more important than any of it? And maybe sometimes we think we’re suffering, but it simply doesn’t compare to what your partner’s going through. They need support and understanding, not more complaining (they’ve already got a baby doing that inside them).

There is good news for us though, Dads. Beansprout tells us of a very positive attitude her ‘dh’ (I think this time it’s ‘dearest husband’ but, I confess, I’ve no idea what ‘ds’ is…):

“Dh’s motto was that I looked after ds (he couldn’t before after all!) and that he looked after me. He was utterly involved with ds but it was so fantastic to not have to worry about all the other stuff and to just be able to focus on ds in the early days. ”

A relaxed mother who doesn’t have to worry about the washing and the cooking or cleaning is a happy one, and that sounds pretty good to me.

A Little Goes a Long Way

It seems that the little things can make a big difference too. Bristols writes:

“My DH painted my toe nails for me when I was too big to do it myself. Will be ever grateful for that.”

Babylovesmuffins says:

“When she asks if her bum looks huge, tell her she looks beautiful and she’s imagining things.”

While just about everyone who replied agreed that saying “I love you” on a regular basis makes a massive difference.

We Need to Talk

A more general point I got from reading a lot of the replies was that if we dh’s and our partners communicate with each other better, then the whole pregnancy experience can be better (sorry, if I’ve made pregnancy sound like a theme park ride there by using the word ‘experience’, I didn’t mean to). BurstingBug says:

“During the contractions midwives usually say to the mum, ‘lean into your partner for support’, ‘partner rub mums back’. Please do not be offended if mum says get away/get off me.
I personally couldn’t bear to be touched whilst having a contraction.”

This falls under the listen to what your partner wants at that very moment, not what she wanted during ante-natal classes or even 30 seconds before. When the babies coming, her word is rule.

Who Are You Calling Moody?

Finally, Squonk wraps it up nicely with some pretty clear advice for all fathers-to-be:

“Never, ever, under any circumstances, mention the word ‘hormones’!”.

Thanks Again

Just another thanks to those who replied, and a sorry if I missed out your advice I promise that I read it and took it in, honest.

Oh, and don’t forget to vote for me by clicking the button below. You never know it might help a lot of other Expectant Fathers too:

Warning! Blogging about Blogging Follows:

Part of me writing this here blog it to try and help support the family when Mrs C returns to work and I become a Stay at Home Dad. I’ve been contemplating a few things over the past weeks and after reading Darren Rowse experiences I’ve made an addition to this site.

Yes, I’ve just added an Amazon.com aStore to this site. Check it out, then check out some goods (do you see what I’ve done there, do you?).

The store can pretty much be classified as Stuff to Buy Babies, but there’s also a section for Dads and Moms (I’ve gone American for the purpose of making cold hard cash). I do have control over what appears so if you’d like to see anything there that isn’t at the moment, just leave me a comment and I’ll make the change.

As the store is provided by Amazon you can log in and shop with your existing Amazon ID and the store is just as secure as Amazon.com.

I believe that I may need to get more than just me and my mate Matt reading the blog for it to generate any revenue but it’s a start.

Anyway enough reading, get shopping

I’ve started to notice over the past week or so that I’ve been feeling a little bit guilty that Mrs C is struggling along with pregnancy and, to all intents and purpose, I’m not.

Because we’re in this together, right? Well yes, but then again, in one fairly obvious way, no.

As much I can care and support Mrs C she’s the one that has someone growing inside her that kicks and wriggle and gets the hiccups.

Just recently Mrs C has started waking up in the early hours of the morning (5 o’clock today, 4 o’clock yesterday, 5 the day before…) and she’s become more and more tired as a result. And how it’s making me feel guilty about not being the one waking up.

The other night Mrs C woke up at 5 and put the light on and decided to read. Because I sleep like a ninja the sound of Mrs C turning the light on woke me up too.

“Do you want me to go downstairs?” She asked me.

My sleepy brain was screaming “Yes!” but I knew better “No, it’s alright.”

Since then she’s decided that getting out of bed and sitting in the oh so comfy chair is the way forward.

I know Mrs C and I aren’t alone in this. Mark from Life after Birth said he felt selfish when his partner gets up from bed and he just sleeps on.

And God, it’s not a nice feeling when you wake up and find the bed empty next to you.

“What time did you make it to tonight?”

“5. I’m very tired.”

Ouch. What can you do or say to that? “Take it easy today”? “Try and have a sleep at work”? “Maybe you should stay home”?

So I let guilt build up inside of me. I’ve noticed that, except for going to food shops, I don’t like going out and leaving her any more. I can’t remember the last time I went out on my bike and I haven’t been out with my friends for months.

I hope this guilt doesn’t turn to resentment because that would definitely be *a very bad thing*.

So, I’ve written an article for the weekly online blog publication Top Blog Mag!

You can read it here.

It was supposed to be gently humourous but now I re-read it, I probably should have re-read it before sending it in.

Oh well. Try not to laugh so hard that some of your internal body parts explode.

And while you’re at it, vote for me!

(Last time I promise.)

I’m starting to think that it’s time to get myself just a little more prepared for the big day when it finally comes. So this is the first in what I hope will be a regular series on The Expectant Father called I Wish I’d Known.

I’ve asked a few bloggers from around the Web to play the role of Parental Advisor and send me 2 things: a memory of the weeks leading up to the birth of their child and the one thing they wished they’d known before the birth that they know now.

I’m pleased to say that the first two Parental Advisors are Graham Jones, the Internet Psychologist, and Liz Strauss, the Successful Blogger.

Graham Jones

Graham is a guru of all things internet and offers particularly sage advice about online marketing. Graham has a seven year old son, Elliot:

“When my wife was pregnant with Elliot, I had a meeting with my accountant. He told me that if we had any major projects we wanted to spend money on, now was the time to do it. After your baby arrives, he told me, you won’t have the cash. So we extended our house, had a new kitchen and got some decorating done. How right my accountant was; babies cost you much more than you ever imagined….and as for seven year old boys….well…..!!!

But the one thing I wished I had known before Elliot came along - how emotionally uplifting fatherhood can be. I’ve always been a relatively positive chap, but Elliot just makes me even more positive and bright. I had to wait a long time to be a father and I just wish it had been possible earlier because I would have had even more years of brilliantly positive life.”

Mrs C and I obviously think in the same way as Graham and his accountant as we decided we’d better get some decorating done while we still had the cash!

I just hope that in the few weeks after the birth and what with all the sleep deprivation I’m bracing myself for that I can appreciate how uplifting fatherhood can be.

Liz Strauss

Liz is the blogosphere’s unofficial “Queen of Blogging”. If there’s something you need to know about how to improve your blog drop over to Liz’s Successful Blogger site and you’re guaranteed to find the answer. Transferring her skills from blogging to parenting, here’s Liz’s advice:

“Being a parent means growing up all over again, only this time you’re on both sides of the story. You can still remember what it’s like to be the kid in the conversation, but now you know what it’s like to be the parent . . . and not have the answers. My child is so like me . . . is he pull a fast one or is he sincerely confused? How can I tell? I don’t know.

I have often told friends that children are here to humble their parents, because they teach us about our parents.

The best advice I can give is answer always with unconditional love and generosity. The child will be loved and unconditional love never spoiled anything.”

Liz’s words really connected with me as soon as I read them. I’ve already confessed to not feeling grown up and I do worry how well I’ll cope. I’m hoping from what Liz is saying, I’ll grow into the role of parent.

What’s more, I’ve been thinking about how my Dad must have felt as a parent more and more. It never entered my head when I was a kid that my parents had feelings or even that they were people, so maybe it’s time to find out how they coped with the terror that I was.

Thanks Graham and Liz

I’d like to say a very big thank you to both Graham and Liz for finding time in their schedules to share their experience with me.

If you’d like to appear in a future I Wish I’d Known post then please either leave me a comment or drop me an e-mail to ian(at)7879designs(dot)com (I know it’s a highly sophisticate code that I’m using to protect my e-mail address from spammers but I hope you can crack it ;))